So despite every part of me hating being stuck in an office I have had to take up some temp work to refill the pot and keep the bank manager/s off my back and get myself back on the road.
As an animal behavouralist I am genuinely amazed at how well developed in the routine some office workers have got that allows them to get away with doing no actual work! The following is the typical day in the life as observed by ShawZy on the front line!
09:00:This is your start time.
09:10: Arrive; 10 minutes late. This is just late enough that you are not going to get reprimanded.
09:10 - 09:30: Make your first tea/ coffee of the day and catch up on the office gossip. Discuss X-Factor
09:30 - 10:00: Go to kitchen area and make your breakfast. This could obviously not have been done at home. Eat breakfast.
10:15 - 10:30: First fag break. It's not your fault you have an addiction.
10:30 - 10:45: Ring your significant other and finish a discussion that you could have had when you were with them less than 3 hours ago. If you are single ring your mates and plan the weekend. You will spend much of the week from Monday onwards discussing this.
10:45 - 11:00: 'Pop out' to the shop. This is the perfect time to buy a mid-morning snack. If you are lucky enough to have a travelling trader who visits the office, commonly know as 'The Sandwich Man' this is also a key time to gossip with people from other business areas or floors as you all converge on his wares.
11:00 - 11:30: All office meeting. Things that could be covered in an email take up a 30 minute meeting in which the whole office workforce is not doing any actual work. Key concern. How to get
productivity up. This takes up 15 minutes for each worker in the office; losing hours of work time.
11:30 - 11:45: First extended toilet break of the day.
11:45 - 12:00: Check emails. The majority of these will not be work related. Those that are should be ignored.
12:45 - 14:15: Lunch. Although your lunch break is only one hour, you are expected to take at least an extra 15 minutes either side.
14:15 - 14:45: Despite taking an hour and a half lunch break you will arrive at your desk with your lunch and spend the next half hour eating it and playing online games.
14:45 - 15:00: After eating; a cigarette break is essential!
15:00 - 15:15: The second extended toilet break of the day
15:15 - 15:30: A spot of afternoon tea and a gossip.
15:30 - 16:00: In an effort to boost morale now is the time for an office quiz.
16:00 - 16:15: Only an hour left till home. Time to wind down. Start by making a tea/ coffee. Ring your significant other to let them know you will be home in an hour. They know this already but it's good to reasure them.
16:15 - 16:30: This is an uncomfortable time of the day when it's too late for a fag break, you've only just had a coffee and the people you usually talk to have finished at 16:00. Treat yourself to some Internet time.
16:30 - 16:45: Start packing away your 'work' and desk materials so you are ready to leave 'on the dot'
16:45: Despite the fact you are paid until 17:00, now would seem like the best time to go home. You wouldn't want to start working with only 15 minutes left.
17:00: Congratulations: You have done fuck all today!
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