I wasn't trying to get on porn at work....honestly....
Showing posts with label Office. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Office. Show all posts
Friday, 15 April 2011
Tuesday, 12 April 2011
Office Spaced: Bud Light is not so light if you drop it on your toes!
So if you haven't gathered; I HATE WORKING IN AN OFFICE. The dress code being one of my main hates. I do not ever see clients. I sit at a desk all day and repeatedly press the same buttons over and over. I do not need to wear smart clothes. I would work faster and more efficiently if I was more comfortable. So today I decided FUCK IT I'm wearing trainers. However I decided to pre-empt the expected ticking off and getting sent home to change with an early email to my slightly retarded line manager explaining why I had to wear trainers. The following email chain is unedited aside from the removal of confidential email addresses and names. (Also I was not injured in the slightest)
Me:
Manager:
Me:
Manager:
Me:
Manager:
And with that I get to wear trainers for a week! Viva La Revolucion!
Me:
Manager:
Me:
Manager:
Me:
Manager:
And with that I get to wear trainers for a week! Viva La Revolucion!
Friday, 1 April 2011
It's April, FOOOOOL!
April Fools Day, All Fools Day, Poisson D'Avril. Call it what you will but for the 12 hours from midnight to mid-day on April the 1st it's all fools gold!
Being stuck in the office on this most glorious of days was disheartning but it meant I could strike at the heart of this corporate behemoth and deal it some cheap shots from the inside without fear of reprocussions (not that that had ever stopped me). I had a carte blanche for mayhem.
A post-it-note over the sensor on a computer mouse will render it useless. Simple but effective. This caught out multiple victims but the best reaction came from my boss who slammed his mouse into the desk in rage before releasing he has been targeted. He looked in my direction and muttered 'dickhead'.
The second set up involved taping over the outlet on the water cooler. Anyone who has had the misfortune of having worked in the cattle truck atmosphere of an office will know the water cooler is sacred. To strike here was an affront to their terrible religion. It was sacrelige.
The first person to realise that someone had poisoned the water hole was a temp. It was a shame that an innocent victim of the machine was stung but one must expect collateral damage in a war. They pressed the button and water spayed out the side. It wasn't the expected result but success none the less!
However one strike wasn't enough. The trap was reset with stonger tape. No water would get out this time. Not a drop. A drought was coming to the third floor.
One of the IT techicians headed over with his pint glass ready for some rehydration. The glass was placed. The button was pressed. It should have been so easy. He'd done this thousands of times. He wasn't even focused on the task. He could do this on autopilot. Not today. It took a few seconds to register that today something was wrong. Confusion reigned. Why wasn't it working?! Where is the water?!
Once he realised he was caught in the web he tried his best to act like all was well. But the eyes of the room were on him and he knew it. To watch this bald man quickly turn from white to red was one of natures great marvels. A true pleasure that I was humbled to have witnessed!
April Fools FTW!
Being stuck in the office on this most glorious of days was disheartning but it meant I could strike at the heart of this corporate behemoth and deal it some cheap shots from the inside without fear of reprocussions (not that that had ever stopped me). I had a carte blanche for mayhem.
A post-it-note over the sensor on a computer mouse will render it useless. Simple but effective. This caught out multiple victims but the best reaction came from my boss who slammed his mouse into the desk in rage before releasing he has been targeted. He looked in my direction and muttered 'dickhead'.
The second set up involved taping over the outlet on the water cooler. Anyone who has had the misfortune of having worked in the cattle truck atmosphere of an office will know the water cooler is sacred. To strike here was an affront to their terrible religion. It was sacrelige.
The first person to realise that someone had poisoned the water hole was a temp. It was a shame that an innocent victim of the machine was stung but one must expect collateral damage in a war. They pressed the button and water spayed out the side. It wasn't the expected result but success none the less!
However one strike wasn't enough. The trap was reset with stonger tape. No water would get out this time. Not a drop. A drought was coming to the third floor.
One of the IT techicians headed over with his pint glass ready for some rehydration. The glass was placed. The button was pressed. It should have been so easy. He'd done this thousands of times. He wasn't even focused on the task. He could do this on autopilot. Not today. It took a few seconds to register that today something was wrong. Confusion reigned. Why wasn't it working?! Where is the water?!
Once he realised he was caught in the web he tried his best to act like all was well. But the eyes of the room were on him and he knew it. To watch this bald man quickly turn from white to red was one of natures great marvels. A true pleasure that I was humbled to have witnessed!
April Fools FTW!
Tuesday, 22 March 2011
Bad Apple!
Each week we get fruit delivered to our office. Somewhere a group of corporate assholes, no doubt involved in a strategic thrust, thought this will somehow improve the lives of their workers. Of course; 5 bananas, 3 apples and a few oranges each week is a real morale boost.
Today however I found this apple of pure evil. I'm pretty sure that this is the apple that was used to poison Snow White!
Tuesday, 8 March 2011
Andy Shaw: Eco-Warrior: Drawer Full of Cress
I've decided to grow cress in my drawer at work...
How did this begin? Well I had the urge to get my fingers green as we creep into spring. I wanted to bring some life into the world. Single handedly saving the jaguar wasn't enough in my drive to reshape the world into a better, greener utopia.
Then a co-worker made a comment about a sandwich box I had on my desk; inquiring if it was a mini incuabator. This off the cuff remark inspired me into action. Yes the M&S Classic Sandwich Collection packaging would make for an excellent green house. But what to grow?
Cress seemed like the best bet; it's easy and grows fast. Or at least I remember it being so from Primary School. All I needed was some damp cotton wool and cress seeds.
Do you know how difficult it is to get cress seeds in Douglas on the Isle of Man? Answer is very. I searched up and down the highstreet to no avail. B&Q and some of the large garden centres would no doubt have them but they are too far out of town to make it during a lunch break. 2 days of searching yielded nothing. The last place I could think of was Tescos; where every little helps.
Weirdly you could get 'Little Growers Cress' in a colourful packet aimed at children for £1.49
whilst the more serious packaged variation cost £1.99 for the same amount.
In the search to find some seeds I picked up a Kinder Egg and Surprise! I got another little monster. A little green monster. So I thought 'This little dude will be the perfect protector for my seedlings in the hostile office environment'.
Here we have the seeds 'planted' and ready to go with the little monster watching over them.
Another reason I'm doing this is I hate my job and since someone ripped the q section out of my dictionary I don't know the meaning of the word quit so I'm desperately trying to get fired. Is desk drawer horticulture a sackable offence in a leading multi-national bank? Who knows. Lets hope so.
How did this begin? Well I had the urge to get my fingers green as we creep into spring. I wanted to bring some life into the world. Single handedly saving the jaguar wasn't enough in my drive to reshape the world into a better, greener utopia.
Then a co-worker made a comment about a sandwich box I had on my desk; inquiring if it was a mini incuabator. This off the cuff remark inspired me into action. Yes the M&S Classic Sandwich Collection packaging would make for an excellent green house. But what to grow?
Cress seemed like the best bet; it's easy and grows fast. Or at least I remember it being so from Primary School. All I needed was some damp cotton wool and cress seeds.
Do you know how difficult it is to get cress seeds in Douglas on the Isle of Man? Answer is very. I searched up and down the highstreet to no avail. B&Q and some of the large garden centres would no doubt have them but they are too far out of town to make it during a lunch break. 2 days of searching yielded nothing. The last place I could think of was Tescos; where every little helps.
Weirdly you could get 'Little Growers Cress' in a colourful packet aimed at children for £1.49
whilst the more serious packaged variation cost £1.99 for the same amount.
In the search to find some seeds I picked up a Kinder Egg and Surprise! I got another little monster. A little green monster. So I thought 'This little dude will be the perfect protector for my seedlings in the hostile office environment'.
Here we have the seeds 'planted' and ready to go with the little monster watching over them.
Another reason I'm doing this is I hate my job and since someone ripped the q section out of my dictionary I don't know the meaning of the word quit so I'm desperately trying to get fired. Is desk drawer horticulture a sackable offence in a leading multi-national bank? Who knows. Lets hope so.
Saturday, 9 October 2010
Office Spaced: Working 9 to 5. What a way to make a living!!!
So despite every part of me hating being stuck in an office I have had to take up some temp work to refill the pot and keep the bank manager/s off my back and get myself back on the road.
As an animal behavouralist I am genuinely amazed at how well developed in the routine some office workers have got that allows them to get away with doing no actual work! The following is the typical day in the life as observed by ShawZy on the front line!
09:00:This is your start time.
09:10: Arrive; 10 minutes late. This is just late enough that you are not going to get reprimanded.
09:10 - 09:30: Make your first tea/ coffee of the day and catch up on the office gossip. Discuss X-Factor
09:30 - 10:00: Go to kitchen area and make your breakfast. This could obviously not have been done at home. Eat breakfast.
10:15 - 10:30: First fag break. It's not your fault you have an addiction.
10:30 - 10:45: Ring your significant other and finish a discussion that you could have had when you were with them less than 3 hours ago. If you are single ring your mates and plan the weekend. You will spend much of the week from Monday onwards discussing this.
10:45 - 11:00: 'Pop out' to the shop. This is the perfect time to buy a mid-morning snack. If you are lucky enough to have a travelling trader who visits the office, commonly know as 'The Sandwich Man' this is also a key time to gossip with people from other business areas or floors as you all converge on his wares.
11:00 - 11:30: All office meeting. Things that could be covered in an email take up a 30 minute meeting in which the whole office workforce is not doing any actual work. Key concern. How to get
productivity up. This takes up 15 minutes for each worker in the office; losing hours of work time.
11:30 - 11:45: First extended toilet break of the day.
11:45 - 12:00: Check emails. The majority of these will not be work related. Those that are should be ignored.
12:45 - 14:15: Lunch. Although your lunch break is only one hour, you are expected to take at least an extra 15 minutes either side.
14:15 - 14:45: Despite taking an hour and a half lunch break you will arrive at your desk with your lunch and spend the next half hour eating it and playing online games.
14:45 - 15:00: After eating; a cigarette break is essential!
15:00 - 15:15: The second extended toilet break of the day
15:15 - 15:30: A spot of afternoon tea and a gossip.
15:30 - 16:00: In an effort to boost morale now is the time for an office quiz.
16:00 - 16:15: Only an hour left till home. Time to wind down. Start by making a tea/ coffee. Ring your significant other to let them know you will be home in an hour. They know this already but it's good to reasure them.
16:15 - 16:30: This is an uncomfortable time of the day when it's too late for a fag break, you've only just had a coffee and the people you usually talk to have finished at 16:00. Treat yourself to some Internet time.
16:30 - 16:45: Start packing away your 'work' and desk materials so you are ready to leave 'on the dot'
16:45: Despite the fact you are paid until 17:00, now would seem like the best time to go home. You wouldn't want to start working with only 15 minutes left.
17:00: Congratulations: You have done fuck all today!
As an animal behavouralist I am genuinely amazed at how well developed in the routine some office workers have got that allows them to get away with doing no actual work! The following is the typical day in the life as observed by ShawZy on the front line!
09:00:This is your start time.
09:10: Arrive; 10 minutes late. This is just late enough that you are not going to get reprimanded.
09:10 - 09:30: Make your first tea/ coffee of the day and catch up on the office gossip. Discuss X-Factor
09:30 - 10:00: Go to kitchen area and make your breakfast. This could obviously not have been done at home. Eat breakfast.
10:15 - 10:30: First fag break. It's not your fault you have an addiction.
10:30 - 10:45: Ring your significant other and finish a discussion that you could have had when you were with them less than 3 hours ago. If you are single ring your mates and plan the weekend. You will spend much of the week from Monday onwards discussing this.
10:45 - 11:00: 'Pop out' to the shop. This is the perfect time to buy a mid-morning snack. If you are lucky enough to have a travelling trader who visits the office, commonly know as 'The Sandwich Man' this is also a key time to gossip with people from other business areas or floors as you all converge on his wares.
11:00 - 11:30: All office meeting. Things that could be covered in an email take up a 30 minute meeting in which the whole office workforce is not doing any actual work. Key concern. How to get
productivity up. This takes up 15 minutes for each worker in the office; losing hours of work time.
11:30 - 11:45: First extended toilet break of the day.
11:45 - 12:00: Check emails. The majority of these will not be work related. Those that are should be ignored.
12:45 - 14:15: Lunch. Although your lunch break is only one hour, you are expected to take at least an extra 15 minutes either side.
14:15 - 14:45: Despite taking an hour and a half lunch break you will arrive at your desk with your lunch and spend the next half hour eating it and playing online games.
14:45 - 15:00: After eating; a cigarette break is essential!
15:00 - 15:15: The second extended toilet break of the day
15:15 - 15:30: A spot of afternoon tea and a gossip.
15:30 - 16:00: In an effort to boost morale now is the time for an office quiz.
16:00 - 16:15: Only an hour left till home. Time to wind down. Start by making a tea/ coffee. Ring your significant other to let them know you will be home in an hour. They know this already but it's good to reasure them.
16:15 - 16:30: This is an uncomfortable time of the day when it's too late for a fag break, you've only just had a coffee and the people you usually talk to have finished at 16:00. Treat yourself to some Internet time.
16:30 - 16:45: Start packing away your 'work' and desk materials so you are ready to leave 'on the dot'
16:45: Despite the fact you are paid until 17:00, now would seem like the best time to go home. You wouldn't want to start working with only 15 minutes left.
17:00: Congratulations: You have done fuck all today!
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