Christmas Eve Procrastination

Since I have to work Christmas Eve I've been finding as many different ways to avoid work and get in the festive mood;

My Productivity

Since I finish work today for 2010 I thought I'd review my productivity for the past 3 months;

Run, before he finds you...

Would you rather....

Susan Boyle has been beaten to the US Christmas number one album spot by Taylor Swift...incase you were wondering

Photo courtesy of BBC

Ice to Meet You!

Since the UK is in the grip of it's own mini freeze I thought what better time to enjoy the icy quips of Arnold Schwarzenegger butchering the character of Mr Freeze in the dreadful Batman and Robin (1997)

Imagine all these lines delievered in traditional Arnie style:

What killed the dinosaurs? The Ice Age!

Cool party!

In this universe, there's only one absolute... everything freezes!

Allow me to break the ice. My name is Freeze. Learn it well.
For it's the chilling sound of your doom

Let's kick some ice!

The Ice Man cometh!

Stay cool, Birdboy

Freeze in hell, Batman!

You're not sending ME to the COOLER

Mercy? I'm afraid my condition has left me cold to your pleas of mercy

And one line I totally agree with!

I hate it when they talk during the movie

X-Factor Final 2010

Ultimately the best man won; Congratulations Matt Cardle.

Quite like his winners song but I won't be buying it until after Christmas because I really want Surfer Bird to get to Number 1 this year.

Loving the amount of complaints aimed at how insanely hot Rihanna was. As Derek Smalls once said 'Nothing wrong with being sexy'.

An added bonus was Wagner on stage at the end. Couldn't have finished the show without him.

But the highlight of the final was definitely the return of Jimmy Carr Michael Jackson!

Michael Lewis; We Salute You!

Movie News! - 07/12/10

'A troubled husband and executive adopts a beaver hand-puppet as his sole means of communicating'

Mad Mel and a beaver hand puppet... I think we already have the film of 2011!

Wonder if someone thought; 'Mel Gibson is always putting his foot in his mouth. Let's make him speak through a beaver puppet to stop that happening!'

The Beaver (2011) is directed by Jodie Foster and set for an 11th February release date in the UK.

Possible tagline - 'Give your loved one some Beaver for Valanetines Day!'

Top marks for Aint It Cool news for the headline 'Mel Gibson's Hand Is Now In Jodie Foster's BEAVER!!'

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Just when you thought it was safe to go take a walk...you know 'A WALK'...MEGA SHARK is back! And this time he's fighting Crocosaurus!

I'm beginning to think the recent shark attacks in Egypt are a clever marketing ploy.

But the big(or mega) question is...did Giant Octopus survive? And who will he fight next?

Song For Wagner

2 days later and the heartache is still very real. To help come to terms with this tradgedy I've 'written' a song. If you've seen the film The Hangover (2009) you'll know the tune...

A Song For Wagner;

What do Wagners dream of, when they take a little Wagner snooze.

Do they dream of holding Tigers? or Tesco Mary in her cat suit?

Don't you worry your crazy long hair we're gonna get you back to Dudley and your siamese cat.

And they we're gonna find our bestfriend Matt and then we're gonna make him win the X-factor instead.

Wag, Wag, Oh, Wag Wagner Wagner Wag Wag.

But if everyone votes for One Direction, well then we're s-hit out of luck.

Making WK! in Fable 3

Fable 3 was released two weeks ago and I treated myself to the special edition which is a thing of beauty. Tied together in a faux leather 'book' with playing cards, extra content and a shiny coin it is definitely one of the classier special editions released recently.

I Still haven't had time to play it yet though!

Pre-order customers got a special code to use the Fable 3 Villager Customisation tool and have their creation downloaded into the game and your character can meet and interact with them.

http://lionhead.com/Fable3VillagerMaker/

The process goes, pick male or female, give your creation a name and then answer 5 questions each with 4 possible answers based around morality. The answer given determine the character of your villager. There are more than 5 questions in the villager maker tool but it randomly selects 5 for you.

Example;

There is a man dancing in the street, trying to raise money from passers by, Andrew WK says -

A - You dance beautifully. Wonder how you'll do with one broken kneecap?
B - Nice moves, but do you mind? I'm working this side of the street.
C - Bravo! Please take this necklace as a token of my esteem.
D - You really know how to move that body. What do you say you move it back to my place?

So I thought...Let's make Andrew WK a resident of Albion! If it's a revolution for the throne then I want the king of partying on my side!



First attempt:



'Andrew WK is friendly and agreeable. But because he is willing to act selflessly, others may take advantage of his good nature'

A reasonable start; WK is certainly friendly and agreeable. I just can't see him letting people take advantage though I guess it happens to the best of us.

'Quick with a coy remark or a coquettish wink, he likes nothing better than a good bit of saucy banter'

That's more like it!

'Andrew WK is interested in men only'

What?! Fable is trying to turn him into Andrew W Gay! I don't want my Fable WK to be winking at the enemy when we take on a horde of evil soldiers! Also that statement is kinda libelous and I don't wanna be sued. For the record Andrew WK is happily married; to a woman.

Ultimately a rather disastrous first attempt. And it didn't even show what he looked like! So Andrew WK Mark 1 was declared a failure and a second attempt was launched.


Second attempt:


'Andrew WK prefers to stick to the middle of society's morality scale. After all, sometimes righteousness is called for, but on occasion a bit of villainy can get results quickly'

Not sure about this. I can't imagine the great motivator would be all for villainy for quick results.

'Always quick with a sexy smile, an inviting comment, or a lewd innuendo, he is viewed by most people as an incorrigible flirt...though few are complaining!'

Sound more like Andrew WS!

'Andrew WK has been forced to adjust to an austere existence; he neither came from money or found much of his own'

I don't want my WK to be some skint homeless person. I'm not looking for a rich upper class WK but he works hard with all his business endeavours I think it only fair that he have some gold to splash around on parties and social gatherings at the castle.

Also looking like a mad steam punk inventor didn't help. Another failed attempt...third time lucky?

Third attempt;



'Andrew WK enjoys people, and they enjoy him. He believes he is doing right by his fellow citizens'

Never a truer statement! This is more like it!

'Known throughout the town as a flirt, he has a tendency towards the raunchy, which is admired and despised in equal measure'

Nobody despises WK! He is loved by all he meets.

'He abstains from conflict...assuming one's definition of 'abstains from' includes 'flees in terror'

One thing I cannot imagine Andrew WK doing is fleeing in terror. He might abstain from conflict but only because being in conflict results in less time to party!

'Andrew WK is well off, which in many situations is a very useful condition'

He's done well for himself yes. Quite the business man is Mr WK!

One question; Why does he look like a camp gypsy? Yes you can edit the look but first impressions are everything. Not a complete shambles but I still think we can do much better; one more role of the dice...

Fourth attempt;




'Andrew W.K. strives to do the right thing for the right reasons. He can be counted on to be good, even when faced with temptation'

'He is brave and stalwart, rarely blanching in the face of conflict'

'Andrew WK uses his carefully amassed fortune for clearly defined and meticiously planned goals, many of which relate to further increasing said fortune'

'When it comes to romance, Andrew WK is interested in women'

PERFECT! Every word true! I don't even need to comment.

Visually with the very limited options this was the closest representation I could make but it's close enough! Andrew W.K. sir, I will see you in Albion! Be ready to PARTY HARD!!!!

The finished product!

Call of the Weird - Wagner!

I like the X-Factor. But like my evening at the Happy Valley Racecourse in Hong Kong I've never backed a winner.

2004 I don't remember watching, which goes to show how memorable winner Steve Brookstein really was.

2005 my homeboys from the Boro Journey South stalled at the final fence with 3rd place.

2006 also saw a bronze medal for ex-heroin addict and rocker Ben Mills

2007 was the closest I got with the shock 2nd place finish for the riddler himself Rhydian, whos crown was cruely stolen from him by Leon Jackson; currently 'working on a new sound' after being dropped by Cowell.

2008 saw the latino heat of Ruth Lorenzo crashing out in 5th place.

2009 the year of Rachael ADEDEJIIIIIIIIIIIIIII wasn't a vintage year. Danyl Johnson (4th) was my pick but mainly because his name reminded me of Daniel Johnston; musical legend and one of the best artists in the world ever! Fact. (Look him up if you've never heard!)

So this takes us to 2010 and there is only one band wagon I'm getting on. WAGNER!


I survived the disappointment of his initial failure to make it past the judges house stage and then marvelled at his inclusion as Louis' wildcard choice.

His singing voice is what we can only imagine would be the product of merging The Count from Seasame Street with Pavarotti. Velour for the ears!

The fact he looks like Mickey Rourke in The Wrestler (2009) just adds to the brilliance! And really his story reflects that of Randy 'The Ram' Robinson. A once proud martial artist (who owned a tiger!) getting his second shot as redemption. I can just see Wagner diving off stage, elbow raised towards Cowell as the show fades to black. Did Wagner win or not? Does it matter?

The further Wagner get's in the competition the more slander stories appear in the press. Anti-Wagner propaganda! Cowell is scared. He saw what the people did last Christmas. He wants Wagner buried before it get's too serious. Now part of him will be loving the publicity. But the other part is terrified and Mr Music want's control back! I can imagine as it intensifys the headlines getting even more insane;

'Hilter listened to Wagner' (Technically true)

'Wagner is who the Dracula myth is based on'

'Wagner was on the grassy knoll'

So he's not got the best singing voice in the world. And if Wagner does turn out to be a fan of necrophilic bestiality or whatever then I'll throw my hands up in the air (sometimes) saying 'Wagner, you gotta gooooo'. Just remember the media dosn't make money from selling you the truth and as the russian proverb goes 'The Devil is not so frightful as he is painted'!

Vote Wagner; SyCo is gonna get your money regardless. Might as well get something fun out of the bargain!

Lets have another dose of anarchy for the festive season!

The Douglas Project Day 7 - 20/10/10

Bring me the priest...

So I headed the furthest away I could get from the office in an hour. This took me to Douglas Head via The Exorcist Steps.

Now I name them The Exorcist Steps because they remind me of the ending of The Exorcist and you could quite easily recreate that scene here.

Douglas Head has some mad stuff which I will explore further at a latter date but for now I just shot some vistas back toward Douglas with some snow clouds forming on the mountain.

The Douglas Project Day 6 -19/10/10

Turner-Esque Sky

I spent all lunch in the Sea Terminal again discussing the finer details of Sail and Rail and the inability of the Steam Packet company to fix their computers.

After work I was hustling around the prom and took these snaps of the Ben-My-Chree coming into dock against a Turner-Esque skyline with some added Tower of Refuge. There is also the makings of a single rainbow in there...

Pictures taken around 17:40 Tuesday 19th October 2010. (C) Andrew W. Shaw

The Douglas Project - Day 6 15/10/10

I tawt I taw a putty tat...

The award for best themed car parked at the police station goes to...Tweety Pie!

Pictures taken around 14.35 on 15/10/10. (C) Andrew W. Shaw

The Douglas Project - Day 5 14/10/10

Morning at the Marina

As I had a driving lesson at lunch (when I say lesson I drove a guy to Castletown and back and paid him £25 for the pleasure!) todays pictures were taken on the way into work. They depict Douglas Marina.

All photographs taken around 08:45am on Thursday 14th October. (C) Andrew W. Shaw 2010

The Douglas Project - Day 4 13/10/10

Sunken Garden

The seafront in Douglas has numerous sunken gardens that go back to the Victorian heyday. They are still well maintained and are instrumental in any success the town has in Britain in Bloom. They are also a popular place for workers to spend lunch. I spotted Stuart 'The Brand' Baggs tucking into a Boots meal deal here only the other day (Obviously didn't win The Apprentice).

Again I was busy running errands so I had a very brief period to photograph the various flowers in their twilight hours before they succumb to winter.

Pictures taken around 13:15 on Wednesday 13th October 2010. (C) Andrew W. Shaw

The Douglas Project - Day 3 12/10/10

Signs at the Sea Terminal

Someone needs to be help accountable!


For dogs with insecurities

After sorting a load of errands out I had about 5 minutes today to take any pictures and found myself in the Sea Terminal where a badly scrawled sign pointed out a fridge was not in use. Someone had felt the need to questions this. With a double question mark...all the way.

Outside was a rather strange hook for securing dogs on.

Pictures taken around 13:40 Tuesday 12th October 2010. (C) Andrew W. Shaw

The Douglas Project - Day 2 11/10/10

Views from the Prom on a sunny October Day

I didn't get much time to explore today as I had to see my 'payroll specialist'. I did manage to get 10 minutes on the prom with the sunshining and the seagulls trying to steal my lunch.



This mad little buggy is apparently how the Douglas Corporation get around. These boys are the laziest, most sinister people on the Isle of Man.

Pictures taken around 13:45 on Monday 10th October 2010. (C) Andrew W. Shaw

Office Spaced: Working 9 to 5. What a way to make a living!!!

So despite every part of me hating being stuck in an office I have had to take up some temp work to refill the pot and keep the bank manager/s off my back and get myself back on the road.

As an animal behavouralist I am genuinely amazed at how well developed in the routine some office workers have got that allows them to get away with doing no actual work! The following is the typical day in the life as observed by ShawZy on the front line!


09:00:This is your start time.

09:10: Arrive; 10 minutes late. This is just late enough that you are not going to get reprimanded.

09:10 - 09:30: Make your first tea/ coffee of the day and catch up on the office gossip. Discuss X-Factor

09:30 - 10:00: Go to kitchen area and make your breakfast. This could obviously not have been done at home. Eat breakfast.

10:15 - 10:30: First fag break. It's not your fault you have an addiction.

10:30 - 10:45: Ring your significant other and finish a discussion that you could have had when you were with them less than 3 hours ago. If you are single ring your mates and plan the weekend. You will spend much of the week from Monday onwards discussing this.

10:45 - 11:00: 'Pop out' to the shop. This is the perfect time to buy a mid-morning snack. If you are lucky enough to have a travelling trader who visits the office, commonly know as 'The Sandwich Man' this is also a key time to gossip with people from other business areas or floors as you all converge on his wares.

11:00 - 11:30: All office meeting. Things that could be covered in an email take up a 30 minute meeting in which the whole office workforce is not doing any actual work. Key concern. How to get
productivity up. This takes up 15 minutes for each worker in the office; losing hours of work time.

11:30 - 11:45: First extended toilet break of the day.

11:45 - 12:00: Check emails. The majority of these will not be work related. Those that are should be ignored.

12:45 - 14:15: Lunch. Although your lunch break is only one hour, you are expected to take at least an extra 15 minutes either side.

14:15 - 14:45: Despite taking an hour and a half lunch break you will arrive at your desk with your lunch and spend the next half hour eating it and playing online games.

14:45 - 15:00: After eating; a cigarette break is essential!

15:00 - 15:15: The second extended toilet break of the day

15:15 - 15:30: A spot of afternoon tea and a gossip.

15:30 - 16:00: In an effort to boost morale now is the time for an office quiz.

16:00 - 16:15: Only an hour left till home. Time to wind down. Start by making a tea/ coffee. Ring your significant other to let them know you will be home in an hour. They know this already but it's good to reasure them.

16:15 - 16:30: This is an uncomfortable time of the day when it's too late for a fag break, you've only just had a coffee and the people you usually talk to have finished at 16:00. Treat yourself to some Internet time.

16:30 - 16:45: Start packing away your 'work' and desk materials so you are ready to leave 'on the dot'

16:45: Despite the fact you are paid until 17:00, now would seem like the best time to go home. You wouldn't want to start working with only 15 minutes left.

17:00: Congratulations: You have done fuck all today!

What keeps Gimli awake at night?

They recently held a public consultation meeting in the Isle of Man on the subject of a proposed wind farm in the north of the island. I for one would love a wind farm. I think they look cool and are without doubt a good thing for the environment.

I have it on good authority that this meeting was attended by the Island's most famous resident (since Sir Norman died). John Rhys-Davies was in the house.

As everyone made the protests against sustainable energy with the usual complaints of 'It's unsightly' 'Babies will be born with no limbs' and 'It's gonna be noisy fella' Mr Davies
was harbouring a fear that was slowly bubbling to the surface. The bubble had to burst.

'If we build a wind farm on the Isle of Man, it will be a key target for terrorist'

What? The respected actor famous for his role as Sallah in Indiana Jones thinks that terrorists are going to try and blow up a wind farm on the Isle of Man? A wind farm that will power 1 in 8 homes on an island famous for having cats with no tails. They obviously don't have bigger targets that would cause much more widespread disruption. No. Osama is sat in a cave somewhere on the Pakistani border shaking his fist at the infidels who dare to have no speed limit on their roads.

But residents of Ellan Vannin need not worry; if the wind farm gets blown up we can just hook the Laxey Wheel up to the grid and we will be back on target for reducing greenhouse emissions in no time!

Apparently it was a genuine concern for Treebeard. He can't possibly have just been worried about the effect it would have on his house price. Not the man who voiced the ultimate environmentalist.

Sorry John but I think your digging in the wrong place.

The Douglas Project - Day 1 08/10/10

Harvester of Sorrow

The Solway Harvester was a scallop dredger that sank off the coast of the Isle of Man in heavy storms on the 11th January 2000 with the loss of her entire crew of seven. It received much media coverage at the time but has since slipt from the public conscience in the decade since.

She was salvaged and the crew repatriated to their Scottish home in an operation funded by the Isle of Man Government in June 2000 after the UK Government refused to pay.

The damaged ship has remained in Douglas Harbour since then; neglected and ignored.

Photographs taken around 13:30 on 08/10/10 (C) Andrew W. Shaw

The Douglas Project - Overview

So since I'm stuck in an office until the end of 2010 I have decided, to keep myself sane and to allow for at least a little creativity, that I'm going to use my lunch break to explore and photograph the Isle of Man's capital; Douglas. Despite having a people name Douglas is a town and not an actual person.

I'm going to cover a different subject every day and explore some of the stories surrounding them. Thats the plan anyway!

Diary of a 14 year old ShawZy

So I was cleaning my room today; throwing out some of the kipple that fills it and I had some amazing finds. For one I found my original Jurassic Park Triceratops toy with removable battle wound! Possibly the best action figure ever. There was also a Tamagotchi board game to which the instructions are an absolute mystery.

Getting bored with the business of tidying I made my Incredible Hulk Happy Meal toy fight the Triceratops. Things looked like they could end in defeat for the three horned beast until an interception from Captain Jack Sparrow that caused a pile of documents to collapse onto The Hulk. Despite the carnage this unearthed an absolute gem. A 2000 South Park diary that I received for my 14th Birthday.

Now I've never really been one to keep a diary. I have travel journals that are mostly made up of scraps that remind me of certain things. To sit down and day by day write about what's happened and how I feel? I struggle to be that open even to a book. Prefer to keep it all internalised. Always seemed safer.

But for the month of February 2000 a young, apparently very horny ShawZy, did keep a brief diary.

Re-printed for your reading pleasure in its embarrassing original, unedited format to mark the 10th Anniversary. It's very Rorschach in it's short burst statements but instead of views on a degraded society it mostly tell us what I was eating and what Pokemon cards I had bought that day. I was still living in Middlesbrough at the time and it actually features the first time I went to the Isle of Man

Note spelling mistakes are carried over from the original transcript. I couldn't spell tommorow right then. I still can't now.



Jan 31st

First day of using diary. Today is my birthday (14)
Went to Voyager for tea. Had 10oz rump steak. Got many good presents.



Feb 1st

Purchased full set of Buffy Figures
Bought Clefairy Card
Uneventful day. Didn't do paper-round.

2nd

Bought Nidoking
Another uneventful day. Party planned for Saturday 5th Feb, Bowling



3rd

Did maths challenge today. Got A+ (79%) in History Test. Lined up a deal to get a Magneton, will see if can get tommorow.



4th

Bought an Alakazam
Might buy Magneton on Monday. Hired Jackie Chan, Who Am I? video, not bad.



5th

Paid £9 for Paper-round
Party today, went bowling, I won with 111. In arcade went on Street Luge, Crypt Killer, Terraburst, Derby Stallion 2 and Crazy Taxi. Bought Unreal Tournament.



6th

Not much happened today, played Unreal for most of the day. Took Benji for a walk. Watched WWF Heat
Stargate SG-1



7th

Bought Poliwraith
May buy Magneton tommorow. Uneventful school day, humorous Simpsons on TV tonight



8th

Bought Magneton. Bought Misty Tops Card.
Didn't do much today. Watched Harry Enfield in English.



9th

Bought 4 Tops Cards.
Pokemon on TV, Misty looking good dressed as a mermaid. Borrowed £10 from Stuart to buy a Charizard card tommorrow.



10th

Bought Charizard
Finally got all the Pokemon cards (Series 1) Whoay.
No Buffy on TV tonight. D'oh!



11th

Not much happened today. Hired Entrapment, Catherine Zeta Jones is one horny lady. Finished reading the Exorcist. Watched Commando on BBC 1.



12th

Paid £11
Gave Stuart his money back. Bought a packet of Topps trading cards. Went to M'Bro. Didn't get anything. Slept most of the day.



13th

'COMPLETED FINAL FANTASY 8'
Went to Grandparents for tea. Watched WWF and SG1.



14th

Good Pokemon today. Misty is so, so sexy, even if she is a cartoon character. Funny episode of the Simpsons. Got 84% in Geography test.



15th

Bought some Topps Cards.
Had a bag of popcorn for lunch, very nice, much better than school dinners. Watched TV and walked Benji



16th

Put Operation E.G.G.S into plan today. Egged philip carrols house (he dosn't deserve capital letters). Slept for the rest of the night.



17th

Watched Buffy. Sarah Michelle Geller is the SEXIEST woman alive. Watched Top Gear for the first time, screw the cars, the VIkki is a babe, must watch it next week.



18th

Didn't do much today. Played Blood Omen quite alot after school. Still havn't finished yet.



19th

Went to see Toy Story 2 today with Marc, Craig, Hod, Liam. It was quite a good film. Went to Burger King for lunch. Bought an American copy of Azure Dreams.



20th

Another boring day, spent it all playing Azure Dreams. Watched WWF, which was humorous as ever. No SG1 today. Went to McDonald for tea.



21st

Played Azure Dreams for most of the day. Hired Cruel Intentions, very good film. Especially Sarah Michelle Gellar's lesbian kiss.



22nd

Another day playing Azure Dreams, one of my favourite RPGS. Had my hair cut. Watched the Exorcist in the night.



23rd

Today went to the Isle of Man for the rest of the school holidays. Spent most of the day travelling. Went to a Tex-Mex for dinner.



24th

Visited Ramsey Grammar School. Went to Seafood restaurant for lunch then had McDonalds for dinner.



25th

Went shopping today. Bought some Pokemon sliders. Went to an Italian for tea. Very nice Pizza. Dad spent all night winding up the owner. Grandma bought Crazy Taxi for me, I left her the money, but have to wait till sunday to play it.



26th

Went to a country club for lunch. Went shopping again. Bought a Togepi/Jigglypuff figurine pack. Went to theatre and watched Chess, absolute trash, except for some nice blondes. Had chinease for tea(beef chow mein)



27th

Got back from the Isle of Man. Played Crazy Taxi. Brilliant stuff. Watched WWF Heat, annoyed that No Way Out was not on C4 only Sky.



28th

Uneventful day



29th

Did maths test. Card shop got some Fossils in. Bough some.

Beginning of a Fantastic Story

Ok, so this is gonna be the new home of ShawZy

The original blog, World of Shawcraft, will still remain but that is going to be exclusively for my travel photography and writing and will get updated with the 2010 Adventures soon enough!

This blog, Sex, Lies and Video Games will be the place to visit for any film reviews, game reviews, and any other insights I have that I feel should be shared in extended prose.

So all I got to say is NOW IT IS THE BEGINNING OF A FANTASTIC STORY....LET US MAKE A JOURNEY TO THE CAVE OF MONSTERS. GOOD LUCK!!